Finding Myself and What Gives Me Confidence

Have you ever wondered what does it mean to find yourself? At one point in my life I did not know what to make of this sentence. I thought I was myself and that I was pursuing what I wanted. That has led me to Oklahoma and pursuing a degree in Political Science. I did not realize it at the time, but this was not the right path for me. I was doing what I thought was expected of me and the path I was taking was what I thought I should take because of an unreal expectation and desire to prove my self in a way that was not me. Instead of allowing my self to explore me, it was me wearing a mask I thought was me. I had gotten tunnel vision about what I thought I was supposed to do, what I thought was expected of me and the chance to get into a field that I had thought would make me like the person I respected the most. After a full day of classes something to me felt off, I started talking to some people whom I trusted. One thing that was off was that a book I was going to be using in my Freshman college class my sister was using in her paper for her Masters program. I also while in one class heard a classmate talking how she had worked on the Obama campaign over the summer. That started me thinking and to be honest a lot of freaking out. I ended up talking to an old co-worker and realizing I was in the wrong program. The next day I went and started to talk to people in the music and arts department. I owned up that I was far more interested in things that were considered the arts. It was a far more competitive program to get into though and would require auditions.

Even after returning from Oklahoma it took me a long time to not only acknowledge myself, on top of that to start to pursue my interests. After coming back from a failed attempt at college I fell into a routine and did not really pursue my interests to much. Part of this had to do with funding to be able to afford them as well as the training to prepare for the auditions. There was also just feeling the routine of just focusing on work and life. I think I am not alone in having fallen into that routine like that. I started working on my music and gained a bit in that, I started composing something which to be honest I have no idea what I am doing on that. I also started on working on the languages I started to become more fluent in them. For me it took a long time to really understand that the only expectation anyone had of me was that I would do everything in my power to thrive in this world. At surface value that is simple enough but for different people putting this into practice can come with varying degrees of difficulty for several reasons. There is a lot of learning that has had to take place music, as well as continuing in languages. Due to unuse of a couple of the languages I am more fluent in I have lost some of my ability in them. So, this has led to working on getting that back and then expanding on interests that have resurfaced or surfaced for the first time since coming back from Oklahoma. To find yourself also takes more courage than people are often willing to give credit to. From what I have seen you open yourself up to new things and experiences that you are not sure if you will like. To be open to these new experiences you are having to take away the mask to and that makes them feel vulnerable. You are allowing your self to find strength in who you are even if you do not know that person or where that strength will come from yet.For me discovering a bit about my self took acknowledging first that I was not the same as my sister. This took a lot of work from multiple sources including my sister. It has also taken a lot of time, in my case I had to feel like I not only had the time but the drive to do it too. I will admit that I am a work in progress and am still working on figuring out what I want. So far this is what I have, I love to write. To be honest I am in the middle of writing something, a story but also a world. When I write I feel like anything in possible, nothing is beyond reach or out of the question. I also like to help people to create good healthy habits. I love my musical instruments and I have had fun trying to create a new piece of music. Still very much a work in progress, my music theory is not the best, but it will improve. Finally, I love languages and learning new ones and then listening to music in that language. But that is just for fun, I got wrapped up in languages and though that was my path and it may still be but not the way I was going about it that is not it.

Which brings me to the point of it is okay to think you have yourself and life figured out and realize that is not you nor what you want. Often when people figure this out, they need to find themselves again because they got wrapped up in some thing along the way that lead them away from themselves. Do not be afraid to take a risk for your self but stay true to you while doing it. I am working on this one, many people that know me can attest I am not the best risk taker. There are so many things in this world that pull us every which way. It really can drag you off course when you think you going for what you should want or do rather than what you want. You do not take that time to check in with your self and ask your self “am I feeling this?” As I am working on finding me and what I like and want from life I find my self asking that more and more. I wonder sometimes if I had asked that earlier in life before I made some of the choices, I made would I have still made them? The other half of that is would I be in the place I am today learning what I am about my self and my view on the world around me if I had not made the choices I did. I honestly do not know. I know that I hope so, but I am not sure.

My Top 10 Go To Self-Care Options

What is self-care? Oxford languages describes it as “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own wellbeing and happiness,” you often hear it a lot regarding mental health. Now to be honest there are a lot of groups that either do not have a lot of time for self-care or worse. Examples of these groups are parents; I hear a lot about how they are do not have a lot of time for self-care but they need to employ it because they matter to. There are also in my opinion certain career fields that self-care is a vital thing and I feel that there is a certain amount of pressure that you will fit it in while working essentially 24 hours a day in high stress jobs. This encompasses several career fields.

  A quick google search will give you longs lists of ideas what you could do for self-care. Now there are ones that I do not do like Gardening which is a very common one that people do. I how ever have a lot of stress when gardening because I am not great at it. Yet I love writing and for other people that may be stressful. Everyone is different and what one person uses for self-care others may not. That does not make either person wrong.

While this is my list of what I am doing currently for self-care there is one area I am still working on for self-care and that is physical activity. I like to go for walks, but that is about it for things that I am practicing. Now there are forms of exercise that I do like and that I can find relaxing. Using the rowing machine at the gym is fun for me. I have always though that part of the problem was that I am not in the habit of doing exercise every day. This maybe the case for a lot of people but it may be in different areas of their life.

Writing

Writing for me is the easiest way I have found to express myself. I love sitting down and just start writing a first draft of something. Just letting stuff flow on to the page and see where it goes. Sometimes this will take the form of Poetry, other times it may be the start of a short story. Though when Journaling this helps me just get out what I am feeling and when I am done with the Journal entry I do feel better.

I do understand for some people this could be a very stressful thing for any number of reasons but for me is just flows and creates something.

Epsom Salts

Epsom Salts are truly an amazing thing, I use them to help sleep with the Melatonin one and to sooth aches and pains from long hard labour days after work. As well as just a really great way to relax in general. I like to mix ones with melatonin with a different one that soothes pain and fatigue. I have also discovered some that you can just soak your feet in. I have not tried them yet but am excited too. While Epsom salt baths are a way of self-care for me, some weeks they are the only way to make it through the week. They are that thing that you may need to look forward to at the end of the week or even the end of the day.

Walking/ Hiking

This is not on here as a way of physical self-care, this is something I do because I have always found peace in nature. That is not to say that this is not a great way to do physical self-care, I just use it to help my mental health. Though some will probably tell you that exercising is a way to help your mental health. After a workout the body tends to release endorphins which help you feel happier.  My therapist had recommended when going for walks to make sure to look up and see the world around me not focus on the ground. I have found since putting in a bigger effort to look up the world does not seem so bad as often.

I am not a huge hiker; I have been trying to get out hiking more because I love being in nature. I am not at a fitness level that I can go up the side of mountains hiking yet. This is kind of an interesting fact as I live in the Pacific Northwest and hiking is a big thing in this area. The thing that I have been learning is that there are different levels of trails that novices like me can still Hike. This is something I have found I very much enjoy and both walking and hiking help get my creative juices flowing.

Facials

Oh, this has to be one of my favourite self-care things. I got into this trying to learn to take care of my skin because I wanted it to look its best and make the future wrinkles be hard earned ones that didn’t just come in. Which lead me to realising how much our skin takes a beating, and I found a good estatichin who is helping me not only take care of my skin but shown me a few ways different types of therapies can help with other things.  Which has been cool to learn about and let her do to help me.

Facials allow a person to take a certain amount of time and take care of a part of their body that many people overlook. They are good about moisturizing but that is only part of it. Now this is one of the things in my list that can go pricey but there are ways to do them or get them and not shell out a lot of money. You don’t have to get them religiously every month but getting them every so often to make sure you are on the right path with your skin.

Retail Therapy

This may confuse some people as to why I would include in this, well first this is what works for me. The items on this list are what work for me, and they may not work for you. I don’t go out and spend a ton of money, what I do though is go into a store where there are people. For some reason with my depression, I get to points where I need to be around people in well lit areas because darkness had an affect on me. Walking through a store and seeing their things can also just take my mind off what might be bothering it.

Online shopping should not be discounted either. I do online shop as well not as often because I am someone who does like going into the stores. It does do the same thing for me though, scrolling through different stores items can help my mind calm down or refocus for a little bit taking my thoughts away from what might be bothering me.  Just a reminder this one for me does not mean buying everything in sight. It is more a way of just doing something for me and distracting my self at the same time.

Alone time

I am an introvert, and one way I recharge is taking time for me. Many of my friends and family might say I have to much alone time. But that is a whole other thing to get into. But back to the point while going out with friends, going with family to Sounder games is a blast and I would not trade it for anything. Having time alone allows me to unwind. Now this may not be an easy feet for everyone especially if you have kids this is a hard thing to come by. That does not negate the importance of it I have found. I have heard from parents that they neglect on time just for them. It doesn’t have to be a whole day or a long period of time. Just enough time for you to be able to take a breath, and refocused. The beauty of this one is you can incorporate other things in it. Alone time while doing retail therapy for example.

So many times, I think everyone neglects to take alone time, time away from the busyness’ of life. Like I have stated previously this looks different from person to person. Alone time can be just going to get a Starbucks coffee, a bubble or Epsom salt bath, or it can be an activity that takes the whole day.

Finding Beauty in my Reflection

This one may make you question my sanity, but this is one I have been trying to implement daily. I look in the mirror and then identify what I like about what I see. The most common one is my eyes, and then at times depending on the light my skin. If the mirror is big enough then I will also include what I like about my outfit and or body. I don’t always remember to but I am trying to get better about it. The idea I have in doing this is that I nee to love me no matter what size or how I feel like I look. If I don’t then I may run the risk of never liking me and thinking I am never enough no matter what size I am.

It is not one that must be done first thing in the morning. Due to the fact I work as a custodian often when I am cleaning bathrooms at work specifically cleaning mirrors is when I remember the most. We all must use the bathroom throughout the day so if you did try to implement this one it could be done when ever and maybe multiple times a day. Up to you.

Reading

This is not a go to for me, but it is one that I enjoy and always implement it when I am going for alone time. It is on the list though because it does help me recentre and reading in general is a way of escape for a little bit. It is not something that you need to do with other people, and you can also incorporate getting a favourite drink like Starbucks as well if that is a way you show your self-care. This is not for everyone though some people may find reading tedious and a stressor for them. My go to book is Lord of The Rings, it is one that I can just pick up and currently have by my chair in the living room.

This is not a stressful one for me, but it useto be and took a long time for me to find any amount of enjoyment out of it. Thus why it does not come as a go to one but it is one that I do, through the work of finding something that I actually like to read aside from Lord of The Rings another favourite book of mine is Little Women.

UV Lamp

This is another one that you can incorporate with other things such as alone time, reading, watching a movie depending on where you lamp is. My lamp is currently over my bed so mostly reading or doing things on my computer. This is something I also do to help with my depression as well as self-care. I highly recommend it for both though as it feels nice.

Coffee Place

I do not drink coffee, but I do love green tea, it is one of the most refreshing things I have had. This one is something I do the most and can incorporate the most. Spending the little extra getting a drink that I enjoy. I can again incorporate this one with the UV lamp and or reading, as I can finish it or use the lamp after I come back from getting the drink.

I encourage you to try these and others and figure out what works best in your life and that you like. The last two years have been hard on everyone, and we all need to take time for ourselves so that we can give the world the best version of our selves. I hope at the very least this gives you a starting point and that you will take your own self-care journey from here.  

Trying Something New Impacted by Your Confidence

If you google ways to change up your style you will find hundreds of different blog posts with ideas or how to do it. Now I am not a fashion blogger so why am I going into this? Simple, I blog a bout confidence, and self-love, and a bit about health. My confidence must be at a high lately as I have been looking toward trying some different fashion pieces that are not my normal. Pattern pieces in general are not my normal but floral patterns even more so. When I tried them on I have to admit some looked good, also some did not. Now anyone who knows me in real life can tell you I am not a person who is normally into flowery pieces of clothing.

I felt like I fell into a rut/marketing scheme in how I was buying my clothes. I wanted clothing that I did not mind if it got stained or damaged at work. So, I started limiting my self to where I was buying clothing to ‘cheap’ stores. Now I phrase it that way because on the surface it would seem cheap, and when you get their clearance right it is. But that was not how I shopped in some of the items, some I think I did get clearance but not many and because of that I did end up spending what I would have spent in most department stores. The rut aspect is that I also was not wearing things that did not look good on my body and I got toa point where I did not think anything looked good on my body be it jeans or shirts. I have since discovered that is not true and am working on wearing the things that help me have confidence. Or rather I look in the mirror and like yeah, I look good. I am getting better and the successes I have had gave me the encouragement to keep looking and to keep trying.

Now a thing that did have a bearing on where I shopped for a while was money. Or at least in my mind they did, as I went by a reputation of a store for selling things cheaper but, they were just less quality. Going against the age old saying of you pay for what you get, sad to be honest. But the reputation of the store and my low income did push me that direction for a period of time for a few reasons, one the idea of buy clothes and that I could still afford to for some reason was appealing to me. Another reason was I did not want to put a lot of money into a wardrobe when I knew it was going to be destroyed due to my job on top of the fact that in general, I am hard on clothing. For those who are short on money though and wanting to play around with style do not underestimate thrift stores like Goodwill, or Value village. These are two well-known stores, and you will not spend a fortune on clothes and will have the option of being able to put things together differently. It was through thrift stores originally that I was able to play with skirts and discovered the style of skirt that I think is very flattering on me.So taking that into consideration, on top of that people like to play with their styles. I had to start changing my habits. This is not always an easy thing for people myself included in that. As a plus size person there where many things that I had to take into consideration the biggest being where I carry the majority of my weight. This did not stop the change, as I have talked about before you must take the type of fabric into consideration when looking at patterns which is what floral is. To work on changing this habit I have taken to wandering through Target and looking at what is available there. A different problem that I have run into is some things that I found that work for my body type that are no longer being carried in the store I found them, and I have yet to find them in other stores. I would guess no matter what size you are when something that you like and looks good is discontinued it is hard to find a good replacement.

Shopping can be one of the most tedious things for some people, and then when the types of things you wear are no longer it gets really discouraging really fast. Here in the United States the fashion industry has also slowly ben shrinking our clothes and the result has been making us feel bigger. There are so many videos across the internet about this, how a person who is say a size six in some clothing brands is a size 12 and others a size 4. Now this is not he same case in Europe but that is a different story. I feel like this inconsistency though is aimed to make us hate ourselves and I know for me can be a discouraging factor when shopping and makes the mental struggle of wanting to try something new in my wardrobe even harder. For those of us in the plus size world it gets even harder to try because there are times, we can guarantee that we will not be able to buy anything in the store. I have gone shopping with my sister, and she has asked why I am not looking at stuff and I have said it is because they have nothing, I will fit in. That is a hard thing to admit to, though I admit I still had a lot of fun just looking at the clothes. This inconsistency with sizing though makes it hard to want to try new things because of the fear of it not being able to fit or look good. Probably why there is a such a huge diet and weight loss industry.

While changing style or playing with style can affect your confidence especially when you get it wrong, it is not the end of the world. Trying things is a risk, sometimes it works out sometimes it does not. I have had many times in playing with my style that it does not work, for example skinny jeans. I have no confidence in them and maybe one day I will try them again. Right now though I have no confidence in them and as someone is who carries most of her weight in the top half of my body skinny jeans and leggings. Do not let other people halt you from trying something though. While we all like hearing how something looks good on you that is only part of it. How you feel is also a large part of this as well, and it may take some tweaking of trying it different ways before it works. If you feel like trying something new in your wardrobe, try it, see if you like it and then see what those who you trust to be honest with you think. But do not let anything stop you from just trying it.

Loving Yourself so Others Can Love You

Do you need to love your self so others can love you? My personal answer would be yes and no. Learning to love your self so others can can be a bit confusing at times, this is what I have learned so far. You do need to respect your self and through that others will respect you because they see that you respect yourself. Who knows where that respect can lead? Yet respecting yourself is a part of loving yourself. At the same time people are all different and choose to surround themselves with different people who have different varies of influence. Now I know from my own experiences that I have wanted to feel accepted by the world and tried to project an image that was not really me and did not hold any respect as to who I was. The idea of letting someone else love me is a bit daunting and has often caused me a great amount of fear. A part of this is due to fear of many things; the thing that stands out the most looking back at my experiences is that I did not respect myself. What I mean by this is to be blunt I did not like myself. On top of that I have not experienced nor seen a healthy relationship. Not understanding how to grow a relationship and fear in general made me feel like I would be trapped. Getting to watch a healthy and good relationship grow and flourish has shown me that I would not be trapped but that I had a lot of growing to do on my own. I had not accepted me and there fore did not respect myself. If I did not respect my self to be blunt again, how could I love myself?When I looked up what it meant to love yourself there are a lot of different parts to it. One of the parts is respecting yourself. This is something I have been working on through my journey of going for what I want instead of what I thought I was supposed to do. I am continuing my work on this by putting more effort into my writing and taking up writing poetry again. Yet all of this in only one part of respecting myself, and I must admit that since starting this blog I have felt like I am doing more toward that. I am working on not trying to be a version of normal that other people think I should be but to be the version of normal I am. Yet at the same time when I look at the list of things, I found on google to show respect to your self I know I have been afraid about some of them. This is also fear that has caused me to shy away from relationships and the idea of being loved in the past.

We come back to I am respecting my self or rather working on it what about loving myself. As with respecting my self there are parts that I am decent at yet there are also parts I am working on, and parts that I need to bring attention to. According to some of my research some of the ways that you can love your self are having fun by yourself and starting a journal. These are things that I am good at or enjoy. On the flip side it also listed giving your self a break and forgiving your self for past mistakes. This is something that is harder for me, I have a strong reaction when ever I think I have made a mistake. What I have learned about these mistakes or in some cases perceived mistakes is that often it is amplified by me. I seem to make the mountain out of a mole hill. I am sure I am not the only one who has past mistakes they have found hard to forgive them selves for. This is something I am working on and to be honest through things like self-affirmations, journaling and talking it has gotten better. I do think I have forgiven myself, yet I do still deal with this massive fear of making mistakes. I have also learned ways to calm that fear through self-affirmation. This week that was put to the test and I was enormously proud and happy that it worked and that it only resulted in a few tears rather than the normal amount. In the past this would of taken many tears and conversations and venting on my side. To have that completely cut in half and me coming out feeling okay day of is a big win in my book.

By doing the research, self-reflection and free writing for this post I think I have figured a few things out. You do need to respect yourself and love yourself for someone to love you. You must know who you are. I for so long did not understand this, I as I mentioned earlier had a lot of fear of being trapped. A part of that was because I do not have any experience in romantic relationship and didn’t really have any good examples of healthy relationships around me. Now this is due to many factors one of which was during a time in life I would have been figuring this out in my teen years I lived in another country where things were different. Now though I must admit that has changed, while I am growing and loving my self and trying to bring my self to be my best. I must admit that I do want someone to share lie with. The fear is still there, the dates I have been on have had fear and one did result in running again but that is a different story. As you learn how to love yourself and respect yourself, the step to be honest I am currently struggling the most with is expressing myself. In some ways I think that I am good at this, yet in other ways of expression I am not. I have gotten other ideas from some research that I did that I think I might try as well like starting a gratitude journal or writing a love letter to myself.

What do you see?

Look down, what do you see? I am willing to bet safely that you see clothes. I do to a nice comfy sweatshirt to be honest. Over the last few years I have been experimenting with what looks good on me. Do I have an answer to that yet? Nope, just that I am in love with jeans with a healed brown bootie. Love that, gives me an extra boost of confidence. That is the thing that I am discovering about clothes and by extension a person’s style is that the right clothes can give you that boost to you confidence. On the other hand, the wrong clothes can have the reverse affect on it for a few days. Then there are days where you put something on look in the mirror and it is just not working for you a few days later you can put that same thing on and you are just like WOW. This has happened to me more times then I can count. Yesterday I put together an outfit for work and it was just working. I felt confident in it. I though the fabric sat nicely on my body. To be honest I felt like I carried myself with more pride yesterday. I personally love darker reds on me. The thing is though this same shirt pant combo I had tried last week and it was just no, I didn’t fee it, I thought it emphasized my problem areas and I was rather actually bummed by it at that time. Yet yesterday, I had posted a picture of my self in the outfit on face book and Instagram and got a lot of positive feedback from it.

On the flip side last week, I was wearing a cute green shirt that I had been on the fence about when I put it on. At the time I had though it did not look terrible, and I still believe that it was not terrible. It did not feel long enough though, and that caused me to be very self-conscious all day. I kept trying to pull it down. It also made me very aware of problem areas. I have a t shirt that has a cool pattern on it that while I like it and it is long enough does also, I feel draw attention to my problem areas. The times where I have worn it, I have not felt confident I have shied away from being around people unless I could put a coat on over the t shirt. To be honest I got a recommendation to go to a fabric store and take pictures with different fabrics draped over your shoulder and such. This is to get an idea of what looks good with your complexion and what does not, to give you an idea and help you discover your style. Thing is I do not feel like I can do that right now due to COVID. I am intending to do it and will post the pictures from it on my Instagram account. I recommend if you are like me though and trying to figure out what looks good or wanting to try something different find a fabric store and do it.

Clothes and figuring out your style I am learning are like the finish of a race. Knowing what looks good and listening to yourself about what you are feeling is that last burst to finish a race strong. It takes training though, and that is where experimenting and figuring out what you like, what looks good on you comes in. The most important thing though I am seeing is to listen to myself and my instinct as to if I am feeling the outfit or not. Try it for yourself, see if you notice a difference in yourself.

Keto? Paleo? Body Positivity Oh NO

How can a woman not be on the body positivity train and the same time also not on the body shaming train? Simple I think most women in general were intrigued by this idea of body positivity, I know I was. In a way I still am because I personally believe that if I can not see my self as enough now. How will I be able to ever see myself as enough no matter if I lose the weight or not. When I started this blog, I did not want to be known for putting a lot of content out there about body positivity because once I started looking into the topic I actually became very concerned with what I was finding. What I had found was people who were not taking ownership of their bodies nor acknowledging certain facts. Before I go into that lets get something out of the way right now that might help you understand why I feel like I CAN say something about this. I am considered an obese woman. I am not shaming other women for their bodies in fact I will admit I have gotten inspiration for different ideas for style and such from Instagram influencers who are plus size. As a person who is obese, I understand that because of my size I am more susceptible to certain diseases. I also understand this is not shaming to me it is just a fact of life. I personally have accepted this, yet I see and hear about people across the western world who take this as shaming to them. What I am also noticing for myself as well as talked about by others is there is a psychological thing going on. Food for a good many is not just a source of nourishment, but a comfort. There is even a designation for some food as comfort food. Now I am not a psychologist and I am not going to analyze other people.

What I am going to do though is share my experiences, triumph, failures, how I am working on changing my relationship with food, as well as why I view my self as enough. I have tried several different diets in my life, Curves, South Beach, Keto, and Paleo. Each one I tried and each one I fell off the bandwagon, yet not with out learning some important information along the way. One thing was that there are different metabolic types, another is that in order to produce lasting results you have to actually make life style changes that will be permanent. Keto, and Paleo are both lifestyles, and to be honest both interesting lifestyles, but still to restrictive for me. Why? Because I use food as a crutch, as a comfort. Hey back to the psychological thing again. That is when I discovered intermittent fasting. Now I had heard of fasting before, and I had also heard of it in connection to Keto. This was different this was just eating between a certain time period, no restriction on what you could eat just eat between this time and this time. I gave it a shot and I saw some beginnings of results I had lost weight. Yay, but that was not the only thing, to be honest there were multiple benefits that I saw from it. It also would get me thinking as to what I was putting in my body and what my calorie intake was vs what I was using. Which to be honest brings us to today, I am still working on it. I still like to eat a lot, and I working on not using food as an emotional crutch. I do have alternatives that I am trying to use more often in place of food as a crutch. Am I still obese yes, even though I have done one of the steps in having a better relationship with food. I am not there yet; I still have a lot of work to do. Yet even though I am obese, and I have all this risks for certain health issues being obese. I see my beauty; I see my worth. If I cannot see my beauty and worth now, then when will it be enough for me to see it? That is what I mean when I say I am enough, I am beautiful, I am worthy. Therefore I am not body positive, that label is dangerous and very very polarizing. As I have seen people shamed for wanting to change by those who claim to be body positive. Yet I will not shame people because I do not know them. I do not know their journey. What I do know if you just like me are beautiful and you are enough.