Have you ever wondered what does it mean to find yourself? At one point in my life I did not know what to make of this sentence. I thought I was myself and that I was pursuing what I wanted. That has led me to Oklahoma and pursuing a degree in Political Science. I did not realize it at the time, but this was not the right path for me. I was doing what I thought was expected of me and the path I was taking was what I thought I should take because of an unreal expectation and desire to prove my self in a way that was not me. Instead of allowing my self to explore me, it was me wearing a mask I thought was me. I had gotten tunnel vision about what I thought I was supposed to do, what I thought was expected of me and the chance to get into a field that I had thought would make me like the person I respected the most. After a full day of classes something to me felt off, I started talking to some people whom I trusted. One thing that was off was that a book I was going to be using in my Freshman college class my sister was using in her paper for her Masters program. I also while in one class heard a classmate talking how she had worked on the Obama campaign over the summer. That started me thinking and to be honest a lot of freaking out. I ended up talking to an old co-worker and realizing I was in the wrong program. The next day I went and started to talk to people in the music and arts department. I owned up that I was far more interested in things that were considered the arts. It was a far more competitive program to get into though and would require auditions.
Even after returning from Oklahoma it took me a long time to not only acknowledge myself, on top of that to start to pursue my interests. After coming back from a failed attempt at college I fell into a routine and did not really pursue my interests to much. Part of this had to do with funding to be able to afford them as well as the training to prepare for the auditions. There was also just feeling the routine of just focusing on work and life. I think I am not alone in having fallen into that routine like that. I started working on my music and gained a bit in that, I started composing something which to be honest I have no idea what I am doing on that. I also started on working on the languages I started to become more fluent in them. For me it took a long time to really understand that the only expectation anyone had of me was that I would do everything in my power to thrive in this world. At surface value that is simple enough but for different people putting this into practice can come with varying degrees of difficulty for several reasons. There is a lot of learning that has had to take place music, as well as continuing in languages. Due to unuse of a couple of the languages I am more fluent in I have lost some of my ability in them. So, this has led to working on getting that back and then expanding on interests that have resurfaced or surfaced for the first time since coming back from Oklahoma. To find yourself also takes more courage than people are often willing to give credit to. From what I have seen you open yourself up to new things and experiences that you are not sure if you will like. To be open to these new experiences you are having to take away the mask to and that makes them feel vulnerable. You are allowing your self to find strength in who you are even if you do not know that person or where that strength will come from yet.For me discovering a bit about my self took acknowledging first that I was not the same as my sister. This took a lot of work from multiple sources including my sister. It has also taken a lot of time, in my case I had to feel like I not only had the time but the drive to do it too. I will admit that I am a work in progress and am still working on figuring out what I want. So far this is what I have, I love to write. To be honest I am in the middle of writing something, a story but also a world. When I write I feel like anything in possible, nothing is beyond reach or out of the question. I also like to help people to create good healthy habits. I love my musical instruments and I have had fun trying to create a new piece of music. Still very much a work in progress, my music theory is not the best, but it will improve. Finally, I love languages and learning new ones and then listening to music in that language. But that is just for fun, I got wrapped up in languages and though that was my path and it may still be but not the way I was going about it that is not it.
Which brings me to the point of it is okay to think you have yourself and life figured out and realize that is not you nor what you want. Often when people figure this out, they need to find themselves again because they got wrapped up in some thing along the way that lead them away from themselves. Do not be afraid to take a risk for your self but stay true to you while doing it. I am working on this one, many people that know me can attest I am not the best risk taker. There are so many things in this world that pull us every which way. It really can drag you off course when you think you going for what you should want or do rather than what you want. You do not take that time to check in with your self and ask your self “am I feeling this?” As I am working on finding me and what I like and want from life I find my self asking that more and more. I wonder sometimes if I had asked that earlier in life before I made some of the choices, I made would I have still made them? The other half of that is would I be in the place I am today learning what I am about my self and my view on the world around me if I had not made the choices I did. I honestly do not know. I know that I hope so, but I am not sure.
Lemons or Lemonade 